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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Little Known Quotes from the Wives of Spiritual Giants

Eddie Eddings

 

“I don’t like the way Selma Haversham is always asking you for advice!”- Mrs. C. H. Spurgeon

 

“Please put down your quill and come to bed!”- Mrs. John Owen

 

“I think I’m the luckiest woman on earth…wait a minute…sorry…the most providentially blessed!”- Mrs. John Calvin

 

“Honey, will you help me with my necklace?.”- Mrs. Albert Mohler

 

“I need you to pick up some bread and a chuck roast on your way home.” – Mrs. A. A. Hodge

 

“Look what the dog brought in!”- Mrs. B. B. Warfield

 

“Are you planning on writing a childrens book this year or not?” – Mrs. C. S. Lewis

 

“Please, please, please take me to Paris, France this spring!” – Mrs. Thomas Boston

 

“Why not dress up like Columbo again? It was the hit of the party last year.”- Mrs. R. C. Sproul

 

“I think I am coming down with a cold!”- Mrs. A. W. Pink

 

“You better not write on my table again when you have your Table-talk!”- Mrs. Martin Luther

 

“That last sermon was a little scary!”- Mrs. Jonathan Edwards

 

“Yeah, a LOT has happened since you were gone!” – Mrs. George Whitefield

 

“No, I haven’t read your last book yet. I haven’t finished the last one!”- Mrs. John MacArthur

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Why You Should Never Sell Indulgences

There is a story about Tetzel, the Dominican monk who went around sixteenth-century Germany selling indulgences and scandalizing Martin Luther. He used to sing a little ditty: “As soon as your money falls into my casket, your soul leaps free from the fires of Purgatory!”

 

A thief came up to him and asked how much it would cost for an indulgence to forgive all his past sins. “A thousand gold pieces.” “And how much for one to forgive all my future sins as well?” “Two thousand more.” “All right, here’s three thousand. Give me the indulgence.” “Here it is. Thank you.” “And now here’s one of those future sins. See this sword? Hand back the three thousand.”

 

Peter Kreeft, Heaven, pages 186-187.

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The Beginners Guide to Christianity: Nineteen Things You Need to Know Right Now

 

C Michael Patton

1. “Heads bowed eyes closed . . .”: During a church service, you may hear a preacher abruptly break into this unexpected dialogue with the audience: “Heads bowed eyes closed. If you have accepted Christ into your heart [more later], I want you to raise your hand.” Don’t get scared. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. It is not a fancy way to steal your money or pull anything sneaky. It is the preacher’s way of helping the uncomfortable seeker feel more at ease about accepting Christ. It is best if you just follow instructions here.

2. “Into the Word”: This is a portion of an important phrase that may be communicated by seasoned Christians in many different contexts. It always has reference to the Bible. Yes, I know, the Bible is more than one word, in fact it is thousands, but once you are a Christian, it becomes singular and has a definite article, “the,” attached to it. If you hear someone say, “Are you in the Word?,” this is another way of saying, “You need to read the Bible if you are going to be spiritual like me.” IMPORTANT: This has no relation to the phrases, “Word to your mother,” “Word up,” or just plain “Word.”

3. Backslidden: This has no reference to the past event of sliding down a hill on your back. It is used to refer to those Christians who are now suspect in their original confession due to their current participation in a particular sin.

4. “Ask Jesus into your heart”: Although there is nowhere in Scripture that people are commanded to ask Jesus into their heart, this has become the primary means by which Evangelicals believe a person becomes a Christian. Don’t be scared here. Heart surgery, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular exercise (or lack thereof) have no bearing on Christ’s presence in your heart. He does not actually live there.

5. Soul Winning: Please understand, this  is not a game. It is the act whereby one person tells another about Christ and the person believes, thereby having their souls “saved” (i.e. “won”). I know that normally if there are winners, you would think there are losers, but not in Soul Winning.

6. “I see that hand . . .”: This is related to #1. The pastor has just asked for raised hands while everyone’s heads are bowed and eyes closed. “I see that hand” can mean one of two things: 1) Someone is indicating that they have accepted Jesus by raising their hand. 2) The pastor is acting like someone has to be more heroic and finance the new building. VERY IMPORTANT: Avoid any temptation to look for the hand when the pastor says “I see that hand.” Although science is inconclusive, we are not sure if you looking for the hand raised has any bearing on the effectiveness of the salvation process. It is best to be safe and avoid giving in to this temptation. To be very spiritual, just thank the Lord for that person and pray that they become a Calvinist.

7. Contemporary Christian Music: Avoid at all costs. Yes, many of your Christian friends will act as if they like it. Musicians, sociologists, and psychologists are perplexed as to the reasons why. We believe it is due to the pressured environment of the Christian community for Christians to do all things Christian, but this has no bearing on your salvation. Please, don’t feel pressure to like it.

8. Christian Movies: See “Contemporary Christian Music.”

9. Baptism: The spiritual act of going under water. Yeah, I know, most people don’t understand it, but you must do it anyway. Oh, also, someone else has to push, drop, or lower you otherwise it is ineffective.

10. “Blessed”: This word must take the place of many words, but the most important replacement is with the word “luck.” Super-spiritual Christians (SSC) will often be offended and pugnaciously correct you if you ever say, “Good luck.” Even if you are just using it as a casual phrase with the best of intentions, the SSC will see it as an opportunity to correct you and show you how Christian they are compared to you by saying “I don’t believe in luck, only God’s blessings.” When you have someone correct you, just act as if you have learned something and then go your way.

11. The Water that Jesus Turned into Wine was Diluted to a Watery Grape juice: Although there is no biblical, historic, or cultural evidence to suggest it, you must believe that Christ did not turn the water into wine, but into watery grape juice. This is a cardinal doctrine.

12. Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.

13. Public Prayer: You will often find yourself in a situation where others are praying and you don’t know what to do. As a general rule, you should remain quiet and attempt to pray with them. If your mind drifts just try to make a quiet, yet slightly audible, sounds like “um” (not “ummmm”), “yes Lord,” and “amen.” They may be completely out of context, but you will still be better off. This is very well accepted.

14. “Jesus”: This is an acceptable answer to pretty much every question in the Christian community. For example: Who is God? Jesus. Why are you alive? Jesus. Why are we here? Jesus. What website were you looking at? Jesus. What did you learn about today? Jesus. What is your favorite music? Jesus. What book are you reading? Jesus. Why don’t you want to go to _________ with me? Jesus. What planet is that? Jesus. It always works.

15. Rush Limbaugh: This is the only person in existence who has not asked Jesus into their heart but is nonetheless going to heaven.

16. God D*%n: The only phrase that you can use that will immediately let others know that you are not a Christian (despite the fact that it is not really taking God’s name in vain).

17. Raising hands during worship: Be very careful with this. The first thing you need to know is that this is not the way to ask a question during church service, but a way to worship. Churches are not in agreement about its validity. Some churches allow the “Full throttle” (raising hands above your head either with hands spread or index finger pointed), but some places only allow the “Governor” (hands raised to chest high position). Some churches will see any extension of hands as a sign of self-promotion and you will be asked to leave. The best approach is to ask the usher while being seated.

18. Quiet time: This has no relation to “time out.” In fact, it could be just the opposite. All Christians are expected to have “quiet time.” It is at this time that you renew your relationship to God through prayer and Bible study. The longer the better. If you do this first thing in the morning, people will count you blessed.

19. Short-term Missions: Short-term missions are a part of the Christian’s life. Please note that if you go on a short-term mission, there is a universal pattern of experience. 1) Fear: Going to another country is frightening. 2) Excitement: The Lord has personally arranged for this trip and has someone for you to meet. 3) Shock: this is the initial disturbance that Americans have to the poverty and needs of the visited area. 4) Attachment: this represents the love that you have for the people and places you have gone along with the desire to remain. 5) Mourning: this is the time when you have to leave. Expect a lot of wailing and crying. 6) Telling: this is where you fruitlessly try to explain everything that happened and every emotion you felt to everyone you meet. 7) Judging: This is where you look down upon everyone for being so materialistic and not being passionate about the needs of the poor. 8) Adjustment: this happens two weeks after the mission trip and represents the return of self-pity because your neighbor just got a new car and yours has nearly 50,000 miles on it.

Your turn. Help out the beginner to Christianity. View article…

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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a New York City church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, who had been there before.

“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

 Cowboys for Christ “Are You Riding with Jesus”

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* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”: in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.


* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.


* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.


* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


* The associate minister unveiled the church’s new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge–Up Yours.”


* “A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.”

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* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth With Joy.”


* Today… Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.


* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.


* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.


* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.


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* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.


* Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.


* The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.


* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.


* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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